Lyrics
Slower than life itself, Jon opened his eyes, and Karen beamed back with the
same fake optimism she’d had since Bible study when she was nine
«Rise and shine, love.»
Jon grinned back, searching for a trap for his eyes, but the mole on her neck
was the best he could find. She rose from bed with a yawn that couldn’t have
fooled a bigot and approached the bathroom. Jon caught a glimpse of her wings
tattoo and privately scorned as if to compensate for having just slept in her
bed. His mind wandered to nowhere and back. He was still laying in a shrine of
reminders he wished were covered. As if there weren’t enough, the alarm clock
went off to Karen’s favourite Taylor Swift song and Jon took a moment to
embrace life’s harvest before turning it off. The shower ran and Jon picked up
the remote; he applied it with force. It was the most control he had with
anything, even the car’s brakes were going out. There was nothing on so some
infomercial did the trick; a hole that his attention fell in and never found
its way out
It seemed like seconds before Karen’s necklace graced his nose as she kissed
him goodbye. Jon’s lips mustered a circle, but applied no pressure or suction;
a ritual that kept him from any awareness. She reminded him about the laundry,
and left in a hurry even though she was early. Jon walked to the kitchen and
found a pen and paper. He began to write:
«Those who know me will say it makes no sense, let me offer you this — I agree.
Consider this the script of my head, a declaration of the things I haven’t
said. I’m 38 years deep in skin I wish was dust. And before you jump to any
conclusions, I’ll admit it, I’m tired of all of you but it’s myself I just
can’t stand. This isn’t depression or a crisis, I’m just so fucking bored.
If someone could have talked me out of this, I’m glad they didn’t
Mom, guess I’ll address you first. You should have known from the cesarean
birth, I haven’t ever desired to exist. Thanks for the food I guess.
We both know Todd was your favourite and I don’t blame you. I don’t give a
shit what Freud would say. Boring is about the extent we have in common.
Shouldn’t have cheated»
Karen burst through the door, «Forgot my report!» Jon waited for her to be on
her way again and looked her in the eye for the first time in weeks.
Confidently, but without emotion or dramatization he opened his mouth, «Bye»,
and she left. He started where he left off…
«on Dad, we knew you’d end up alone. Judging by your boredom at Grandma’s
funeral, I imagine you’ll be the same at mine
Dad, there aren’t enough sighs left in me to show you anything. If guilt exists
in these lungs, it’s for you and I’m sorry. We could have been closer if it
weren’t for me. Too many barriers got in the way, like the time I got the belt
on Christmas Day. I’ve been your burden and I appreciate the roof, thank you.
But your greatest lesson was in misogyny. Between Mom and Cheryl you know just
how to pick them. I knew I’d hate my wife someday. You know exactly what I mean
Todd, best of luck with the UFC thing
Karen, don’t know how the will thing works but you can have it all.
I looked into life insurance but it doesn’t cover suicide. There’s a penny in
the account for every vibrant verb you wish I was. I’ve never had goals to
succeed in disappointment but I can feel yours in me, let’s make it easy on you.
I know you’ve always hated the ring, and I hate mine too, but not because of
the way it looks. Life is just easier when I take it off. Since the day I
promised „I do“ I’ve been watching us fade to black — maybe that’s what
Hetfield meant. We’re some kind of monster that couldn’t bear an infant.
As much pain as you are, at least we never had kids… it’s easier to beat
them in my head. Regardless, I’m happy this is on my own accord.
Remember the time you caught me jerking off to Groupon? That wasn’t the first
time or the last. I’d rather watch senior porn than deal with the biannual
anniversary sex. Those files in my computer are bound to shock you so be
cautious. If you ask me, it’s a miracle I’ve made it this far. My greatest
achievement is waking up 14,000 days in a row
While pictures may inspire deceit, I’m already as dead as I’ll be in five
minutes. Say what you want, but take my guidelines into consideration:
If they call me brave, remember that I was weak. And if they call me careless,
be honored I took the time to write the note. Just don’t ever call me special
I’m going to kill myself.»
